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The No Town label boss, purveyor of fine lo-fi electronica and champion of forward-thinking rhythms answers our Big Questions before his appearance at Dimensions festival...
What did you want to be when you grew up?
What’s the worst club you’ve been to?
A ‘Men’s’ club. It was full of men.
What’s been your worst job?
Helping people get on buses that take them from the airport terminal to the long-stay car park. Someone threatened to beat me up because the bus was late and then called my mum a slag, even though my mum wasn’t there.
What are you obsessed with right now?
I’m quite interested in the prints of William Morris today.
When and where were you happiest?
I don’t remember, sorry. I’m not really a happy person.
How would you describe what you do to someone who didn’t know you?
“I’m a poet, and, you know, I think I’m doing OK to be honest, mate”.
Have you ever been arrested? And if so, what for?
Yes. Attempted burglary.
What’s the best record ever made?
Probably one I’ve never heard.
What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?
“Snap out of it, mate.”
Who’s your all-time hero and why?
My mate Phil, because of the advice above.
What do you collect – apart from records?
Shit movies on VHS.
What’s your vice?
Tea and cake. Oh no, that’s lame. Sex, or, like, holding hands or something.
Who was your first love and what happened?
Susan from next door. I threw a fried egg penny sweet in the air and we had to kiss before it landed, then I hit her in the face with a broom trying to do ninja moves.
What were you doing at 2pm last Sunday afternoon?
Sitting in The Clarion hotel near Dublin airport booking flights and talking to my girlfriend on Skype.
What’s your answer to everything?
“I don’t know.”
On a scale of one to 10, how good are you in the sack?
Is that scale in seconds or minutes?
What’s your most prized possession that you’ve still got from when you were a kid?
Have you ever had a homosexual experience?
Yeah of course – I ate at a Lebanese restaurant last week.
What was your last treat for yourself?
A massive fucking TV that can do 3D and HD and stuff. I named it Harold.
What do you spend your money on?
Food and rent, mainly.
What’s your drug of choice?
What can’t you live without?
What would you change about yourself if you could?
My mind. Oh wait, no I wouldn’t… maybe, I would... not...
What’s the worst item of clothing you’ve ever worn?
A knitted panda hat.
If you had a Tardis, what time would you go to?
I’d go to 4pm every day at my parents’ house for tea and cake.
What’s your lamest claim to fame?
I have three: I once walked past a bloke who may have or may have not been someone who looked a bit like Bob Holness. I was the tour driver for Example for four days. And I sold a porno DVD to a well known TV/radio presenter when I worked in a Soho sex shop.
Gold Panda plays the Dimensions festival, Punta Christo, Croatia, Friday September 7